Never mind I’ll find someone like
you… like him? Who? Well, this time it’s
not about that “him” decades ago. It’s not about the “we-know-who” from the
past. It’s not about the “memory” whom I always thought would last.
Pain… Anger… Hatred… lost…
doubts… insecurities… and I ended being scared. I was too scared to do things
far from my comfort zone, scared from making critical decisions, scared from
taking risks and giving chances as well. It was hard. It was painful. It was
tragic. It is supposed to be a happy ending, but it ended just like that.However, despite the dramas I had, I’m getting better… I know I am… Until this
sudden change exists.
As the
saying goes, change is the only permanent thing in this world. Therefore, we
can’t control changes. Though, we can take charge of the situation. The only
question is HOW???
No one knows how I’m trying to be strong.
No particular person would feel the way how I’m coping at this moment. No
matter how I convince myself, the pain would not fade. It would not fade in
just a snap of finger. I’m starting to think much and asking myself if it was
me who failed again? L
If it was me who didn’t express myself
well? …. But the thing is I did… I really tried… LLL
At this point,
my friends never fail to be there for me. They never let me feel that I am
alone. They even allotted time just to listen to me as I express the feeling of
being disappointed, of being miserable, of being left alone… and it sucks. L
That day… the
day when I first saw him… My so-called
“I-want-him-guy”, I feel something that I thought I would never feel again
after those decades of hoping I had. I was thinking that time… Why not give it
a try? T-R-Y suddenly led me to C-R-Y. LLL
No doubt, he
made me feel special. Just like how “they” expressed admiration towards me. The feeling is not new anymore. I already felt
it, but the only difference is him- “I-want-him-guy”. Sometimes, I wonder what if I didn’t show
during that day? Would I still be feeling this kind of pain that I’m trying to
ignore? I would like to ignore, but I can’t help myself not to think about it
anymore. No doubt, he made me smile and
made me thought that this might work.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. I
really don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know exactly or maybe I got blinded
by the thoughts of trying and making it work. I was never sure of what
happened. The only thing I’m sure of is the feeling of liking him or maybe
falling for him. The feeling I would never want to feel especially if I’m
starting to feel something special for someone. At first, I’m ignoring the idea
that something is not working right. I’m trying to figure out the reasons. I’m
convincing myself that there’s nothing to worry about. Or, maybe I’m just
pretending that I don’t understand when obviously everything is falling apart.
I was really hurt and still hurting whenever
I remember. I was distracted at some point.
I became disorganized with my stuff which is very unlikely of me.
HAHAHA! I always wanted to be with my friends- complaining, sharing, and even
crying with them. Undeniably, I was really disturbed.
I became totally engaged of every
detail of our so called “that-almost-love-story”. I started to note every single message sent
and received. I became fully aware about the happenings within the seven days
of the week. The funny thing is it started on Sunday and it ended on that same
day. L I
enjoyed every moment we had and sadly, that will only be part of our
“almost-there-love-story”. I kept on saying
that there should no more be a continuation of this, but still having a second
thought. Honestly, I’m still thinking of him, still wondering and still hoping
that one day, it would work. But no
matter what the circumstances will be… I’ll make myself stronger so when the
next sudden changes occur… It would be a lot better. LLL
December 24, 2012
1:10 P.M.
No comments:
Post a Comment