These & Those :(

For the one who fell…

who fell really hard…

for a douchebag… #harshtag

To Alora, be strong!

------------------------------- </3

bears…

flowers...

choc’lates…

chick flicks…

serenades…

sweet couples…

romantic places…

These things…

These things make people crazy.

These things make a person happy.

These things…

One more week, this month will end.

Add another week, that month will make me pretend.

Working alone…

Eating with my sibling…

Bonding with my friends…

Wouldn’t change a fact…

Wouldn’t cover the pain…

Perhaps…

That would make me insane.

Those things…

Those things must be felt.

Those things must not be forgotten.

Those things…

It makes me totally weak.

It makes me want to speak.

These…

Those…

will never be compared…

maybe, It will make more scared.

It’s not because I dared...

It’s not because I cared…

It’s because…

because…

I fell…

I failed…

again… L

To the one who confused me a lot... before?

To whom it may concern;

It’s been a while since I felt this… and until now I’m still wondering…

There are lots of things that I’ve tried to tell you, but I can’t...

There are lots of questions that I’ve wanted to ask you, and still I can’t…

Actually, there are lots of things running in my mind at this moment.

The funny thing is… I don’t know why I have to, or maybe I really have to.

For almost three months,

I chose to hear nothing from you.

I chose not to communicate.

I chose to stay away.

I chose to save myself.

For almost three months, I felt like I’m freed. J

Even though, there were times that I was tempted…

There were times that I missed you.

I’m becoming fine… a lot happier…

Until, I received a  request from you… again…

I was shocked. Indeed, I was…

 It took me seconds… minutes… hours…

Before I decided to confirm your request…

                                                                       

I knew that when I confirmed… 

Those “I chose to hear nothing, not to communicate,

to stay away” didn’t save me at all.

My favorite professor kept on telling us that

“The only person who could save you is yourself.”

I used to believe that too, but I thought…

Wouldn’t it be a lot easier if someone will help?

In my case… would you be that someone?

You started to ask me questions which I prefer

not to answer anymore. You started to remind

me things which I prefer not to remember

if possible. Just this, I want to know why? WHY?

Just that…

----From the one you confused the most.

             

Don't Wreck it! ^^

We stay up late every night. Regret it every morning. Then, do it again. The exact words I'm currently into. hahaha!

We'll... CV is over. It's time to work again. I was actually having my "homework" (doing work at home) when something came up. That "one-person-you'll-never-get-over-no-matter-how-long-it's-been" FB chat me. Same words... Same ways... Same feelings...  >_<

After being reconnected with him last Christmas eve, I really don't know what to feel anymore. 

I'm getting used to that scenario like for the nth time. He'll initiate the FB conversation; I'll reply back and history repeats itself. 

We're now literally separated. He's there across the ocean and I'm here. His uploaded pictures proved how happy and how he's enjoying his life there at the moment. Honestly, I'm happy for him, because I know he is.

During our recent conversations, there is this one question I've been wanting to ask him. But, I can't... and I'd rather not to... which reminds me of being so over dramatic months ago during the time when he told me about his plans of going across the ocean. It felt like you're drowning in the deepest ocean in the world. It felt like the world renowned lifeguard failed to rescue you, It felt like you got stranded in an island far far away, and there you're lost. And even if there are people who are willing to help, they can't... because you can't find your way back home. </3

You know what's funny? I failed to tell him what I really felt. I actually prepared a 4-page letter for him and I planned to give it as my farewell gift. But the I am no superhero here. I simply can't. :)

 ---------------- </3                                                                                                     

May 22, 2013

1:00 A.M.

To the one who made me changed,

I really like you or almost love. I’ve changed the way I think because of you.  You wouldn’t think how much I wanted to see you. I wanted to see you kahit hindi mo ako makita- That would satisfy me. Imagined me attending a 5 P.M. mass kasi alam kong may possibility na makita kita but then again that would not suffice to get rid the pain here

Sorry if I can’t stop liking you like I really wanted to.
The saddest part... wala narin akong choice kung hindi ilet-go ko yung feelings ko for you. [Ihulog muna lang sana mula sa airplane para tangayin ng hangin] 

Siguro nga pinadaan ka lang “Niya”, for me to learn lots of things. I’ve got highest wall of pride. I built it to protect myself from hurting, but I chose to put it down for you. Therefore, I chose to be hurt.
                                                                                       Truly yours,
                                                                                                 From the one you missed. J

-An excerpt from the longest and most heartbreaking confession ever... 

Reality Bites... (>_<)

.  I kept on saying that there should no more be a continuation of this, but still having a second thought. Honestly, I’m still thinking of him, still wondering and still hoping that one day, it would work. But no matter what the circumstances will be… I’ll make myself stronger so when the next sudden changes occur… It would be a lot better. 

Why does it have to be complicated when it mustn’t be like this? Why do I need to think it all over again when I already have the answer on my mind? Why is it feels so hard to stop when I know that’s the right thing to do? 

I always believe that everything happens for a reason. However, that reason can make or break ourselves. Am I really prepared for that? Everyone knew how I really like him. My friends witnessed how I almost lost myself in the process. They kept on telling me to end it, but I’m not listening. I’m not… because I can’t… 

I’ve never imagined that there will be a time that I’ll be in this exact situation. I used to be strong, but still I ended up being weak. I remember my close friend once told me that I should follow my heart, but I should also bring with me my brain. Then, I started thinking about it. If I’ll follow what my heart says, I’ll end up losing my brain. If I'll follow what my brain says, I’ll end up breaking my heart.  Tell me, can I choose without hurting and can I let them both survive?

I just want to be happy. I just want to love and to be loved as well. Unfortunately, it’s not happening. It’s not happening with him. It feels so difficult because I tried to make it work. I’ve changed. I did things that I never thought I could. But I guess... It couldn't...  #realitybites101

Sudden Change (*.*)

Never mind I’ll find someone like you… like him? Who?  Well, this time it’s not about that “him” decades ago. It’s not about the “we-know-who” from the past. It’s not about the “memory” whom I always thought would last. 

Pain… Anger… Hatred… lost… doubts… insecurities… and I ended being scared. I was too scared to do things far from my comfort zone, scared from making critical decisions, scared from taking risks and giving chances as well. It was hard. It was painful. It was tragic. It is supposed to be a happy ending, but it ended just like that.However, despite the dramas I had, I’m getting better… I know I am… Until this sudden change exists.

        As the saying goes, change is the only permanent thing in this world. Therefore, we can’t control changes. Though, we can take charge of the situation. The only question is HOW???

                                    

      No one knows how I’m trying to be strong. No particular person would feel the way how I’m coping at this moment. No matter how I convince myself, the pain would not fade. It would not fade in just a snap of finger. I’m starting to think much and asking myself if it was me who failed again? L If it was me  who didn’t express myself well? …. But the thing is I did… I really tried… LLL

      At this point, my friends never fail to be there for me. They never let me feel that I am alone. They even allotted time just to listen to me as I express the feeling of being disappointed, of being miserable, of being left alone… and it sucks. L

   That day… the day when I first saw him…  My so-called “I-want-him-guy”, I feel something that I thought I would never feel again after those decades of hoping I had. I was thinking that time… Why not give it a try? T-R-Y  suddenly led me to C-R-Y. LLL

      No doubt, he made me feel special. Just like how “they” expressed admiration towards me.  The feeling is not new anymore. I already felt it, but the only difference is him- “I-want-him-guy”.  Sometimes, I wonder what if I didn’t show during that day? Would I still be feeling this kind of pain that I’m trying to ignore? I would like to ignore, but I can’t help myself not to think about it anymore.  No doubt, he made me smile and made me thought that this might work.

          Unfortunately, I was wrong. I really don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know exactly or maybe I got blinded by the thoughts of trying and making it work. I was never sure of what happened. The only thing I’m sure of is the feeling of liking him or maybe falling for him. The feeling I would never want to feel especially if I’m starting to feel something special for someone. At first, I’m ignoring the idea that something is not working right. I’m trying to figure out the reasons. I’m convincing myself that there’s nothing to worry about. Or, maybe I’m just pretending that I don’t understand when obviously everything is falling apart.

       I was really hurt and still hurting whenever I remember. I was distracted at some point.  I became disorganized with my stuff which is very unlikely of me. HAHAHA! I always wanted to be with my friends- complaining, sharing, and even crying with them. Undeniably, I was really disturbed.

    I became totally engaged of every detail of our so called “that-almost-love-story”.  I started to note every single message sent and received. I became fully aware about the happenings within the seven days of the week. The funny thing is it started on Sunday and it ended on that same day. L I enjoyed every moment we had and sadly, that will only be part of our “almost-there-love-story”.  I kept on saying that there should no more be a continuation of this, but still having a second thought. Honestly, I’m still thinking of him, still wondering and still hoping that one day, it would work. But no matter what the circumstances will be… I’ll make myself stronger so when the next sudden changes occur… It would be a lot better. LLL

December 24, 2012

1:10 P.M.

#1 Simplicity isn't simple

My midnight sickness strikes again. Since it's my CV, time doesn't bother me (At least for now).  Actually, I do have lots of things to finish before this year ends. By the way, my profession really requires me to do that.

Hmmm... Whenever my MS strikes, I can't help reminiscing about the things that had happened. I can't stop recalling about the things I experienced. Honestly, a lot has been changed. If I would be comparing my life than before, it's not simple anymore.

I always wanted to do things on my own... in the simplest way I can... Maybe because of that I never asked for something complicated. I hate being caught in the middle of unlikely situations. I got easily irritated if things were not going well. I hate seeing myself in a scenario that complicates anything. Who would embrace complications right?

In everything I do, I wanted it to look simple... simple but can surely capture anybody's attention.But looking at my current situation, complications are truly inevitable. 

I guess that's the way life goes on... from simple to complicated ... it goes on from being complicated to the simplest way as possible. Still, I always believe that God knows what he's doing... so why worry?

 ^^,

The Unnecessary Introduction ^^

Have you ever felt tired of doing your stuff in repetitions?

Do you ever feel bored in experiencing the same things everyday?

Have you ever thought of trying your other options in life?

Hmm... isn’t it interesting?

That’s right! Make your so-called everyday an interesting one.

However, that seems to be questionable.

Is it really possible?

How can you make your same-old-boring-everyday become exciting?

Maybe simply ask yourself...

"When was the last time I did something for the first time?"

That is an exciting help, isn't it? (^_^)v

Cheers 2014!